Monday, June 17, 2013

A Sad Story

And so, it has been a week since I found out I'm having a baby. For the past few days, I've already started planning and preparing for the pregnancy. I started taking vitamins and food supplements that are needed to have a healthy baby. I've started reading some books about pregnancy and check the internet if there are baby stuff that are on sale and if there's a baby expo in some stores.  I was so excited that sometimes I couldn't sleep at night because it makes me a little anxious about the pregnancy.

On Sunday at 4am, I had a dream that I was hitting someone with an umbrella I got for free when I bought shoes last Friday.  I was so furious in my dream so I kept on hitting the person with the umbrella.  I don't even know who the person was in my dream. Then my husband woke me up because he said he heard me moaned.  Then I felt something between my thighs, It was blood. I got up and went to the bathroom to check. I am having a spotting. I thought it's normal, so I just changed and went back to bed. When I got up in the morning, there's no spotting at all. So we proceeded with our plans to attend the mass and after that we went to watch the movie, Man of Steel. That whole day, I didn't have any spotting.  Only until the next day, Monday. So since I thought it's normal, I just ignored it. I went to work and started my daily routine at work but I felt anxious on what had happened yesterday so I told my friend at work that I had some spotting yesterday. After she heard the news, she panicked and asked me to go see a doctor. So I felt very anxious and asked my boss if I can take a half day leave as I need to see a doctor. He allowed me to leave early as he thinks that it is serious when he heard the news.  So I sms'd my husband and good thing that he's still at home getting ready for work.

We went to the doctor and he checked on me. I had my second ultrasound and the unexpected happened. He said that he couldn't see the baby and my case can be an early miscarriage. He said it in a professional way with no emotions at all as to what is happening. My husband and I were both shocked and don't know what to say.  I was controlling my tears and asked the doctor what should we do if it is indeed an early miscarriage. He answered bluntly, "just let it bleed". He said that there's no need to do anything, since it's a miscarriage, it will just pass through without even doing anything.

When we left the clinic, I burst into tears and I was very saddened by what the doctor had said.  We went straight home and for the first time in my life, I felt very depressed and exhausted.  I laid in bed and cried. Thoughts came rushing in my mind, what is happening to me, why on earth we have to face this kind of situation, what did I do wrong to deserve this. I fell asleep with all this thoughts in my mind. I was so exhausted. I wanted the time to stop and go back on the day I found out I was pregnant but I couldn't...

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